Search for Peace

Since my operation to remove a tumour from my brain and the discovery that I have lung cancer, I have been invaded by an invisible MONSTER of depression and anxiety, that was not invited to make its home in me, and which I would like to throw out, but which is beyond my control.

I want so very much to enjoy what is left of my life, but the MONSTER is determined to turn my last weeks, or months or years into a period of pain and anxiety.

The MONSTER wars against me destroying my peace. From deep within me the MONSTER poisons me with half- truths. I try to resist him but he is very strong, sometimes overwhelming.

MONSTER: You are a pathetic creature. A man without courage, dependent on pills with unpronounceable names about which you know nothing.

ME: They are useful weapons. Why should I be ashamed to use them. They may lead to your defeat.

MONSTER: You are useless. You no longer contribute to the good of the Church or of the community. You cannot drive. Others must give up their precious time to ferry you around.

ME: But others are pleased to drive me, just as in the past I have found fulfilment helping others, so others may find satisfaction in helping me.

MONSTER: You are a burden to others. You can have no self -esteem left.

ME: In the past I have helped others carry their burden. They were not ashamed to receive my help. Why should I be ashamed to receive their assistance now?

MONSTER: The best of your life has gone and will not return. You are afraid to think back to the good times in case the memories of what you have lost upsets you and increases my power over you. You cannot bear to look at old photographs because they vividly remind you of happier times when a healthy life stretched endlessly before you. You are a coward. You are afraid to die.

ME: Christian teaching and my own firm beliefs state that the weak are as great as the strong ‘He has put down the mighty from their seat and exalted the lowly.’ Perhaps I am worth more in God’s eyes now that I am weak than at any other time in my life. My family and friends still love me as much now as before my illness.
I do not underestimate your strength the pain you can still inflict and the fact that you may return in all your former horror, but monster you are getting smaller. Thanks to the help of friends, the Hospice, doctors and those pills you so despise, you have become more of an irritating nuisance than unbearable pain. You don’t hurt me as you did in the past, nor for such long periods. I am learning how to control you. There is still a long way to go but PEACE is starting to return.